Santa Claus – A Drug Pusher and a Terrorist…?

I’m going to make a tribute to Santa this year. Christianity boasts 2.1 billion followers, and if you add in non-believers like me who still put up a Christmas tree and pile presents underneath it, you’re likely to ramp that number even higher.

Why a tribute?

I’m truly impressed with his business model and self-reliance.

Consider firstly he has a huge supply of labour, and pays those little elves peanuts in his sweatshops up at the North Pole. Minimum wage is not in force at Santa’s grotto. The elves are actually overjoyed with the setup since they consider it better than dying in the freezing tundra. There are unconfirmed reports the elves are actually part of a western Diaspora escaping higher taxes and an ever-encroaching government.

Santa goes left untouched by the aforementioned governments since finding him that far north, where his factories are camouflaged by snow, is both costly as well as potentially deadly. The IRS, CIA and any other acronymic agency just can’t get up there without risking their lives.

The ‘Greenies’ don’t even bother him for chaining up reindeer, calling them ridiculous German names and thrashing their asses all around the world… on one night!!! Talk about animal cruelty. He makes the Japanese whalers look like choir boys.

In truth, he didn’t want to use reindeer.  He was forced into doing so after losing his cool during a groping incident with a TSA agent at JFK on a recon mission recently. Enough was enough for Santa, so instead he elected to use reindeer which as we all know fly undetected by drones or radar. He has subsequently managed to narrow his preparation time for the Christmas Eve journey by a full 11 months, as he no longer has to apply for all the varied visas. This has had an enormous impact on his cost basis and productivity. Revenues this year are expected to increase over 60% due to the elimination of this red tape alone.

Santa Claus’ Marketing Programme

As if the above was not enough genius, what is really impressive is his entire marketing programme. He gives each child in each land a shitty little toy and then watches them flock to the shops to buy more of the same throughout the ENTIRE year. No need for a continuous and costly marketing campaign, he gives them just one hit once a year and then watches them come back for more all year long.

I have it on high authority that all those shitty toys are NOT made in china as stated on the packaging, but in fact outsourced to his sweatshops up north.

Wiki leaks will never get anything on him either, since he uses a VPN for all communications, and the elves only use Hushmail to communicate, with all data encrypted using Truecrypt. But even if a leak did get out… nobody believes Santa is real. He’s the master of illusion, a true sovereign man with his own sustainable community up north… living off the grid in luxury, and no doubt feeding caviar to his cat while taking payment from the Chinese in gold stored at the new Hong Kong airport facility. Apparently after watching Bernanke’s interview, and the TSA incident, he no longer likes the USD.

Long Live Santa

There have been unconfirmed reports that he plans to use his vast holdings of gold to launch a new gold-backed world currency called simply the “Santa”. The world desperately needs it!

Following on shortly from the news that Santa was looking at launching a gold-backed currency, the CIA confirmed that Santa was in fact a terrorist, likely financing Al Qaida.  It was determined that he was also a drug dealer and has evaded US Taxes. Stories have been leaked to the media via the DOD that he is wanted for questioning about an incident of “surprise sex”. Then just as this was going to print the NSA confirmed to the NY Post that he has recently been “neutralized”. The agency released this picture claiming a drone had taken him out.

Subsequently Santa has assured fans via Twitter that he is actually alive.

True genius…long live Santa

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